Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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