its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
