tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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