I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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