you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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