Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
