If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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