so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
