She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
