I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
