a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How's work?
Spinning.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
