Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
