Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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