between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
