I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
