I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
