There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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