i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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