pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
