fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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