My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
