five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
