You're a womanizer and a bitch.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
