he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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