Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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