I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
