i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
