Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
