My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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