dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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