I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize