She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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