Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
