last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I woke up under a house in Key West
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
