it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
