I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
