I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
