I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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