well I can't set my house on fire every night
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
