I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize