shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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