I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
