im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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