he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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