He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
