i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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