i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
