we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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