Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize