Can i not drive my cunt home
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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