and i looked up. we had an audience...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
