his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
