I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
