Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
