Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
