At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
