You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
sex in a hospital.. check
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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