Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
