So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
